Disclaimer. I want to start by saying whatever type of mom or dad you are (stay at home, working, single, married, divorced, foster, adoptive, etc.) you are a great parent and whatever works best for you and your family is the best thing for you. This blog is formed from my own thoughts, feelings and experiences of motherhood and is in no way shape or form meant to offend anyone 🤍
A year ago today I walked out of my office at work. A year ago today I let go of a career that I spent years establishing. A year ago today I unknowingly closed a door on a chapter of my story that I wasn’t aware was quite over yet.
I knew being a stay at home mom was always what I wanted to do (even before finding out we were having twins) but when you spend years building yourself professionally and dedicate years and thousands of dollars into school for something you know you will be great at, you form an odd attachment to something that you can be replaced so easily from.
It’s inevitable that when you leave a position at work that position gets filled. Those tasks still get completed. That job still gets done. Not by you but by someone that fills in and covers your absence. Your team mates might miss you at first. The new person might not be as good as you were just starting out but things move on. And they move on without you.
Something you dedicated yourself to and poured yourself into for months or years is now owned by someone else. Your everyday tasks that you had memorized by heart are now on someone else’s todo list. Something that you developed and grew into is now someone else’s load to carry and you are left with a feeling of emptiness for something that was never really yours.
I thought after a few months I would be ready to go back to work, to school, to routine. I would be ready to pick back up at school and finish my classes for my masters degree and see clients and pick up where I left off. When after a few months I knew I wasn’t ready I thought 6 months. 6 months will be the golden time and I’ll be ready. 6 months came and went and I wasn’t ready. P&Q still needed me and I still needed them. 7 months, 8 months, 9 months each month came and went as I carried guilt for not being ready to go back but feeling this responsibility of needing to. It wasn’t until this month when I stopped in a moment of self deprecation when the twins were sleeping and the house was quiet and I felt that I needed to be doing more that I realized, I’m doing enough. I’m exactly where I need to be in this exact phase of life. This phase of life isn’t about what I need to be doing for myself. This phase isn’t about what I need to be doing for other people. This phase isn’t about accomplishing the goals I felt like I needed to have accomplished or the boxes I felt like needed to be checked by now. This phase is about them. It’s about being there when they wake up from every nap. It’s about being there when they learn to walk. It’s about being there when they fall down, when they discover something new, when they learn a new word or a new sound. It’s about being there for all these tiny moments that society makes me feel guilty for being there for but at the same time guilty if I miss.
My position in any office, in any corporation, in any meeting room, in any class can easily be filled by the next qualified person waiting for that spot, except the one at home. The position that can’t be filled by anyone is being P&Q’s mom and being the absolute best mom I can be for them.
I have the incredible opportunity to stay at home with them and I know some people either don’t have the ability to stay home or don’t have the desire to stay home and I whole heartedly respect that, and truly believe that being a working mom is just as hard as being a stay at home mom. But having the ability to do so and taking advantage of it I have felt guilty for doing so every step of the way until now. Until realizing that they are almost a year old and I haven’t missed a second of it. I won’t ever get this time again. There will be no more babies coming after them. This is my time to be who I need to be for them not anyone else and I refuse to feel guilty any longer for giving all I have to them and what they need from me.
So if you are a mom or a dad that is staying at home full time, working full time, going back to school, trying to get going again after being at home, whatever it might be, just try to remember you are enough. You are exactly who you need to be for yourself, your spouse and for your little one(s). Society tells us we need to be present at home and nurture our family as it’s also shoving us into a work schedule, a social calendar, workout regimen, meal planning, house cleaning, etc. telling us we need to be doing more when it seems like all we ever have is less time. What we do with that minuscule amount of time that we have is what matters because time is something we will never get back.
I’ve felt like I’ve let so many people down in this journey of motherhood and I’m only a year in. I felt like I let my job and my colleagues down when I decided to stay home full time. I felt like I let my professors and my site supervisor down when I told them I couldn’t juggle school, an internship and being a mom right now. I feel like I let my husband down every month when I ask him to pay all the bills while I bring in a monthly salary of $0. I feel like I let my friends down when I don’t show up to an event or remember to answer that message until 3 days later. With all of that guilt on my shoulders you know who I don’t feel like I have let down at the end of the day…those sweet babies that rely on seeing my face get them out of bed every morning and put them down to sleep every night. And if I have to feel like I disappoint everyone else in this world to show up for them, well prepare to be disappointed.